I was sending out "hi" comments to my friends"ters" and i noticed that most of them are either married or with kids...and i wonder...why not me? my contemplation has produced yet another perplexed blog...am i ready for such commitment, either matrimonially or maternally?
marriage according to the olds...is not like hot rice, when you get burned you cant just spit it out (or something like that)...i realize how such an enormous commitment and responsibility marriage entails. the mere fact that the dynamic of the relationship changes after the "i do's", scares me to an extent. 3yrs of being in a relationship with Joe does not mean it will yield a successful married life. i still get my space and my freedom...he gets his. and at this point, with all my challenges, it would be unfair to take away his glorious freedom. it would be unfortunate to bind him with my problems and include my baggage with his. im not saying that friends my age are foolish to plunge into this pool of unknowns. i applaud them for having the courage and confidence to say that they are ready. it is not to say that because i am not means the rest of the world shouldn't yet. i do wonder why, that although we are of the same generation, i feel so differently about marriage. this is not to discredit joe. he is such a wonderful person. it's just that...i do adore the thought of picking out my gown, deciding on a motif, choosing a centerpiece and tasting my cake...but behind the joyous facade, it is what is after the celebration that truly scares me.
how about kids? a lot of people have been giving me the advice..."no to marriage, yes to kids" i guess the thought of a failed marriage becoming a statistic scares the crap out of people. a lot are opting to having kids. kids who will take care of their parents regardless...husbands come and go but the bloodline remains forever. i say...im not even ready for the commitment of marriage, how much more the commitment of motherhood. having a husband means taking care of a grown adult able to make his needs known. although childish at times, still when the situation calls for it becomes a man ready to take charge. no need to guess how he's feeling or make airplane moves to feed him. i cannot even take care of myself 100percent of the time...just imagine me taking care of a baby...who will not tell me if he/she's sick or just needs a diaper change, who will not have a curfew and will keep me up even if i have work the next day. they say the feeling of parenthood is incomparable. there is nothing in this world that can ever surpass the ultimate satisfaction of creating someone so beautiful, fragile and special. i will never take that feeling away from anyone. but again i am not ready.
i dont know when am i going to be ready for either...i do pride myself in being mature beyond my years...but the thought of having to take care of anyone else but myself 24/7 does send my brain activity into overdrive and my cardiac rhythm to tachycardia. now, i wonder why? i just cant imagine not being ready to take on the role of loving wife and amazing mother. i think i have it in me? i think...??? i certainly do not think i am being selfish. contrary to that, i am being selfless by not subjecting my husband and child to carelessness and insensitivity. but i know i will be able to take the plunge one day. not anytime soon but one day...when i know that i have more to give and less to take from the world, when i know that i will be able to give 100percent of me and not want to take any part of it back, when i know that everything i do is for love and not obligation. i will be ready when i know that doubts no longer cloud my mind...and i will feel it in me...just hope it will be sooner than my biological clock running out...