IDK...

For some very odd reason...i just can't see the jumping sheeps tonight...i can't sleep...and no matter what i did i couldn't muster up some courage to hug him tonight...it usually does the trick...one hug....one snuggle...one leg across...always worked like a charm...not this time...
Tonight is definitely different...it is 1am...cant use the kitchen computer because unfortunately tito is in the other room...can't have him walk in on me balling and crying my brains out...
I sounded so optimistic (after reading my previous blogs)...but sometimes...i will admit...i cry at random hours of the day when i remember what happened...i am after all human....and when you are tested at your most vulnerable sometimes even a single, minute, seemingly insignificant memory can trigger the pain...tonight was one of those nights...
i do try to put up a front...after all we are working it out...i try to be as accepting of our reality as possible...but sometimes you just can't help it...especially when you see no remorse, no pain, no apologetic ounce in his body...
maybe i am just imagining things...and maybe i am....ONCE AGAIN...over-analyzing...but my instincts have been right so far...which led me to this dilemma in the first place...and my instincts tells me he doesn't care...he does NOT care what i am going through because of what happened...he does NOT care whether i cry or i'm in pain...IDK...i really don't know...
Tonight the tears just keep rolling down this cheek...non-stop...indeed...it will eventually have to stop...i will have to start dreaming at a certain point of the night...then i shall find solace in my sleep...for tomorrow we shall battle another day of "working it out"...meaning me trying...and him...just whatever???
He'll be going to tennis tomorrow...the crew he included me in that he's excluding me out of...he wants time alone and i guess tennis is that time...FOR SOME REASON...which leads me to believe at times...that he is happy when he is with them and not with me...when he laughs with her and not with me...as what he said (when he was out with HER alone and not with the team)...HE IS FREE...(only to come back drunk and lie to me that he does not like her)...HE IS FREE...free from me...
Tonight i guess we vent....i guess it is never that easy to forgive and forget...especially for someone with my memory...that is all i'm saying...
You'll have more blogs coming...i do not know if sooner than later...but i am sure this is not the last of these crying nights...IDK when it will stop...i will have to endure seeing him laugh with her, still text her, still accommodate her, would want to go out with her even without me around, still continue the friendship even though he knows its killing me inside...basically still LIKE her even after what happened and this talk i had with him, i mean it happened the first time so what's gonna change now...then for sure after continuous punches to my stomach, bouts to my insecurities, blows to my ego, and stabs to my heart i am SURE i'd be numb as hell...maybe then i'd stop crying...it'll take more than bud light that's for sure...next time i'm bringing a more potent poison...

Holidays...

Thanksgiving done...next...Joe's pinning...Christmas...New Year...Joe's Birthday...Valentine's Day...my Birthday...
So many events to prepare for...i did have something to do with our BOOS holiday party...but full credit will have to go to do the team...just willing slaves of the glitz and glamor of the holiday bling...i crave to plan...so it will be a stressful yet satiating time of the year...fundraisers, centerpieces, budget allocation, the dj, location location location...
My holiday list is out...yes...naughty or nice...you're in...such pocket-burners...but 'tis the season of giving...so i shall give and give without expectations...i love giving anyway...and i don't care what joe says...you will get something this year...promise...
So MUST:
-Lose weight...no exemptions...no buts
-Save up...take care of my finances so it will be a much better 2010
-Change ways...just be a better person in general...
-Work it...just as a couple...just keep working on us and how we can get pass this year...
My EVENTS:
-December 10-HPRC Holiday Party
-December 12-BOOS Holiday Party
-December 17-Joe's Pinning
-December 21-Kat's Birthday
-3Dinners-Dates Unknown-with the girls, with the BO people, with the tennis crew
-January 13-Joe's Birthday
-February 14-Valentine's Day
-March 8-My Birthday

Busy busy busy bee...and i don't even know what will be in between these dates...so must must must maintain resolve and continue to lose weight...that's my biggest challenge so far...next to money...only because ill be taking over the Camry next year and will start to go to school...help me Lord...i hope i will survive this...

Let's Start Over...

So many things have happened this month that it has been a big eye-opener...the deluge of information has been indeed overwhelming...if that's not redundant then i don't know what is...
It has happened yet again...and somehow i do think that it's partially my fault...i really don't know if i'm overacting or that i have pushed him to such brinks but it can't be just him...after all we are a couple and that we share this life together...
i don't mean to short-change myself but i do feel that i do have things in me i need to change...and there are somethings in him that he does need to change as well...
i do need to let him go...understand that for someone that has been alone, one cannot expect that he would not miss being alone...i do tend to be a little needy, only because i did feel that his love has weaned these past few years...i just never felt it...and i guess i pushed it and pushed it until it just broke...
it just hurts...you cannot just imagine how completely unfair it felt when i found out that once again...here we go again...one more time...for the second time around...im gonna have to go through this...to know that you are never enough, that he is never content, that he will always want more because, again, LIA, YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH...and that people knew behind my back what was going on...the pain is like a knife cutting down your back...and i guess that's the part he will never understand...just to look at his face while your tears are rolling down your cheeks...absolutely no remorse...blank...not even an ounce of pity nor love...and it hurts all the more to know that you want it to work out and he doesn't...
but we all have to move on at some point...i don't know if i will get over everything but i am gonna try...if not because of stupidity but i guess credit it to love...yes, i love him more than anything in the world...i do...and that's what's gonna push me to keep on trying...to just keep on holding on...
we have come to an understanding...start over...yes...and hopefully, we'll be a better couple coming out of this...i hope so...because i guess after all the downs...there's no other way but up...