Life, love, and loss...

i haven't blogged for a while...WARNING: this will be the most personal blog. i really dont have anyone to talk to (by choice) but i just have to release this otherwise...much like any blogger i do read my past entries. I was sorely disappointed to see that my life has been such a rollercoaster...and the last of which i did say that i was happy.
after the many trials i went through with you, i was getting to the point that i was really genuinely happy. only to come to this again. what i dont really understand is this point:
after all these years, ive never said anything about this issue. what is mine is yours. and dont think i havent noticed, that what is yours is yours alone. you already know how i feel about this issue, it shouldn't be one. we've long talks about this multiple times. i don like talking about it because it is evil. it makes people turn into the hulk. im trying my best so we can get by and still be able to enjoy the things that we should. i made two comments (indian wells and tofu village) and you made me feel like crap for it. all these years, and we come to this, which was not even my mistake and you make it seem like i'm lower than dirt. what happened the other night was one of the most humiliating things a woman can ever experience. the loathing and the hatred in your eyes, the emptiness.
i dont know what to say. it hurts. when you love someone, it is supposed to hurt. but i don't think you care anymore. for the first time in a very long time, i actually feel like dirt. instead of making me pay for this, you could've asked me if i had a problem with this and that if you could help me. instead, you went on your rampage and started stepping on me so i can sink further and further.
we are not the same anymore. and you can't deny that you've been cold. and we've never gone this long without talking about the problem and coming up with at least something.
i miss you because, i still love you. i dont even know if you still love me, because if you still do you would understand my point, or at least be willing to listen. but im willing to try to make this work for us. everyday i think of more ways so i can make this problem i have more manageable. this is also one of the reasons i cant just leave my job, even if that was one of your conditions before. i'm trying, but its not helping that i have you against me instead of for me.

whew...napkin please...i need to blow my nose...

Updates again...

My other writing stints have made me forget about my loves...my personal and food blog. Sorry...I never meant to hurt thee.
I've been busy. Writing for the examiner plus yelp plus best dish ever plus comfort food network plus writing jobs plus keeping up with social networking. Ugh. And I also have a day job and tennis and going out and more...
Yikes! But I thought that every month I should set goals on top of these to keep me on track of my original goals.
Start driving in March. That is really THE priority right now. Finish my driving and continue my orthodontic goal. So I actually plan to do these:
Sunday- Examiner/Best Dish Ever/Yelp/Etc/BLOGS and Tennis
Monday- Tennis
Tuesday- Examiner/Best Dish Ever/Yelp/Etc
Wednesday-Examiner/Best Dish Ever/Yelp/Etc
Thursday-Examiner/Best Dish Ever/Yelp/Etc
Friday-Rest
Saturday-Rest or Examiner/Best Dish Ever/Yelp/Etc/BLOGS

The rest will be in between or as scheduled or as spontaneity dictates. Wish me luck.

Life

Writing for the Examiner has been great...it's nice to get to slightly spread your wings and get a following. It's a little too clean but I do wanna keep my readers, so offending people is not in the agenda. I'm a little careful and easy about it.
It's almost Valentine's day...we're getting a couples massage and dinner after. It'll be a busy day, he has class and I have a birthday party to go to for lunch...but hopefully we get to relax and enjoy the rest of the day together. Come to think of it, we haven't had a date night in ages. It's always with friends or family or errands. Rekindling is the goal of the day. Nice.
Wish me luck...

Examiner...

I am now the LA Comfort Food Out Examiner...yey...very excited...so much to do...so many places to write about...must get work started ASAP...

Scroooooge...

Yes, I guess, I am back. I just have this ill feeling in my gut that tells me that I know something I do NOT know. Go figure. I have been feeling it for a while now. NOT AGAIN. I just hate to need something I know I'm not going to get. Maybe that is the ordeal that I will have to go through every now and then. That emptiness that should eat me up inside and consume me. I know what I need to do and I know what should be done. But the question remains....which one will become? We shall see...

Boyfriends...

So I've always wondered...when do men become spoon-feeding, car door-opening, purse-slinging, tampon-buying boyfriends (or husbands)? And what do women have to do to ever acquire the privilege of having a special someone as such?
I look around and observe...
I see them and wish...
But what I have is neither of those...
I eat on my own. I need to ask how is his food before I even get an offer of a morsel. And I don't get the "spoon-feeding". I get the "plate-nudge" as if to signal-here take some if you want to.
I open my own doors. It is, after all, the 21st century. Women's Lib, I assume. I can open my own door. And even if I have 50 thousand things in my hands/shoulders/elbows, I will open my own door.
I carry my own purse. And if i ask...I get the WTH look or the shoe-tap as if to say "hurry up, people are looking". I understand, because carrying my purse around during shopping days would probably equate an hour of lifting weights at the gym. My house is inside my Juicy's.
I buy my own tampons...enough said.
Yet I look at them and continue to wonder...ARE THEY REALLY HAPPY? Because after a long time, in a VERY, VERY LONG TIME...I can finally say that I AM HAPPY. And I don't mind feeding myself, it is my body that requires sustenance. Or opening my own doors, I do want to get in. Even carrying my own purse, I need everything inside within my reach. And buying my own you-know-what, I have to have supply on a monthly basis. I would rather do these things for myself, on my own, independently...than lose my happiness. Because at the end of the day, when my eyes start gravitating towards the floor and my body starts feeling the wear and tear...all I need is you right beside me. And waking up to a new day with you still beside me, makes all the work I do for myself...seem like as normal as breathing.
I am happy. And I'd rather have you than any of them. Happy birthday.

Lexi...

It's been two saturdays now with our new bundle of joy...new addition to the family...mommy and daddy loves you...

...i

I am sorry...i love my three dots and small i's...i can't let go...i just think that correcting myself and going back just to capitalize my i's would be going against the flow of emotion, of thoughts, of life into words against my typing fingers. And as for the ... OCD??? I think...therefore, i am sorry...i will try to change it...next blog...i promise...