10/18/09
Uno mas...
Just saying it out loud...its been a year since my first blog and hopefully this will not be last...im back for more and i will never stop the yearning and craving...i will definitely have more to come...check it out...
10/17/09
Today...
So today is another beginning...we just had our anniversary and i actually didnt get anything...hahahhaha...the $200 he had last two weeks didnt even get me a $3 anniversary card from rite-aid...he did offer me dinner only because he had to because i just spent a huge amount of money for a gift...yah...yah...yah...you read it right (not that people actually read my blog)...
it's been more than a month since pka and palm springs...a lot has changed...and im just going insane with the thoughts running through my head...
im just not loved...no amount of consoling and bullshit you can say to make me feel better...and no...unless something drastic is gonna change i will remain to feel the same day in and day out...its hard when you see someone who would rather be with someone else...talk with someone else for hours...laugh with someone else...while you get the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the sarcasm, the nothing...i want to be that person that as soon as she comes he gives her a hug, laughs with her, asks her questions and talks to her for forever if possible, gets the text messages while i get nothing except "Wat time?", if she calls he jumps at an instant while when i call i get the grunts and the ughs and the "WHAAAAAT????" or the God dammit early in the morning...its hard...and im dying everyday just thinking about it...sometimes i just wish that with the many bad habits i have i would just fall over and die or something because this is actually more painful as each day passes by than being at peace with god...
its not like i did not tell him...in fact he knows..he gets reminded every now and then and i even wrote a letter to him about it...i guess that one hug that day was all i deserved...and i perfectly guessed it right...he went back to his ways the very next day...
i dont know...maybe im expecting too much...maybe because i havent heard the words i love you in years now unless he's saying it back (which doesnt count people...its like reflex...duh...like thank you you're welcome or achoo bless you)...
i have so many plans...so many things i wanna do...and soon i will be able to do it...lose weight, sell my jewelries, drive then eventually go back to school while heading on to events mgt...maybe when id be too busy...then id be too busy to notice or care where this relationship goes...i guess he doesnt understand the concept we're in but thats ok...he thinks we're in this situation just because i needed help...nothing more nothing less...and when its over its over...well wherever this goes...who really knows...
two reasons that i forge on...MY FAMILY...i love them and they need me as much as i need them...and when you're feeling as lonely, depressed and deprived as i am right now...you will know your family's worth...i miss them...and I STILL LOVE HIM...more than anything in the world...and unlike him i love him more than my family and more than anything i know is important to me...but i guess that's where we differ...im last on his list while he is first on mine...i think i even forgot to love myself more...
but changes must be made...i know...i keep saying it over and over but something has to change...and i am really done...i need to really step-up and stand my ground...lord help me...and so it begins...TODAY...
it's been more than a month since pka and palm springs...a lot has changed...and im just going insane with the thoughts running through my head...
im just not loved...no amount of consoling and bullshit you can say to make me feel better...and no...unless something drastic is gonna change i will remain to feel the same day in and day out...its hard when you see someone who would rather be with someone else...talk with someone else for hours...laugh with someone else...while you get the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the sarcasm, the nothing...i want to be that person that as soon as she comes he gives her a hug, laughs with her, asks her questions and talks to her for forever if possible, gets the text messages while i get nothing except "Wat time?", if she calls he jumps at an instant while when i call i get the grunts and the ughs and the "WHAAAAAT????" or the God dammit early in the morning...its hard...and im dying everyday just thinking about it...sometimes i just wish that with the many bad habits i have i would just fall over and die or something because this is actually more painful as each day passes by than being at peace with god...
its not like i did not tell him...in fact he knows..he gets reminded every now and then and i even wrote a letter to him about it...i guess that one hug that day was all i deserved...and i perfectly guessed it right...he went back to his ways the very next day...
i dont know...maybe im expecting too much...maybe because i havent heard the words i love you in years now unless he's saying it back (which doesnt count people...its like reflex...duh...like thank you you're welcome or achoo bless you)...
i have so many plans...so many things i wanna do...and soon i will be able to do it...lose weight, sell my jewelries, drive then eventually go back to school while heading on to events mgt...maybe when id be too busy...then id be too busy to notice or care where this relationship goes...i guess he doesnt understand the concept we're in but thats ok...he thinks we're in this situation just because i needed help...nothing more nothing less...and when its over its over...well wherever this goes...who really knows...
two reasons that i forge on...MY FAMILY...i love them and they need me as much as i need them...and when you're feeling as lonely, depressed and deprived as i am right now...you will know your family's worth...i miss them...and I STILL LOVE HIM...more than anything in the world...and unlike him i love him more than my family and more than anything i know is important to me...but i guess that's where we differ...im last on his list while he is first on mine...i think i even forgot to love myself more...
but changes must be made...i know...i keep saying it over and over but something has to change...and i am really done...i need to really step-up and stand my ground...lord help me...and so it begins...TODAY...
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