Life, love, and loss...

i haven't blogged for a while...WARNING: this will be the most personal blog. i really dont have anyone to talk to (by choice) but i just have to release this otherwise...much like any blogger i do read my past entries. I was sorely disappointed to see that my life has been such a rollercoaster...and the last of which i did say that i was happy.
after the many trials i went through with you, i was getting to the point that i was really genuinely happy. only to come to this again. what i dont really understand is this point:
after all these years, ive never said anything about this issue. what is mine is yours. and dont think i havent noticed, that what is yours is yours alone. you already know how i feel about this issue, it shouldn't be one. we've long talks about this multiple times. i don like talking about it because it is evil. it makes people turn into the hulk. im trying my best so we can get by and still be able to enjoy the things that we should. i made two comments (indian wells and tofu village) and you made me feel like crap for it. all these years, and we come to this, which was not even my mistake and you make it seem like i'm lower than dirt. what happened the other night was one of the most humiliating things a woman can ever experience. the loathing and the hatred in your eyes, the emptiness.
i dont know what to say. it hurts. when you love someone, it is supposed to hurt. but i don't think you care anymore. for the first time in a very long time, i actually feel like dirt. instead of making me pay for this, you could've asked me if i had a problem with this and that if you could help me. instead, you went on your rampage and started stepping on me so i can sink further and further.
we are not the same anymore. and you can't deny that you've been cold. and we've never gone this long without talking about the problem and coming up with at least something.
i miss you because, i still love you. i dont even know if you still love me, because if you still do you would understand my point, or at least be willing to listen. but im willing to try to make this work for us. everyday i think of more ways so i can make this problem i have more manageable. this is also one of the reasons i cant just leave my job, even if that was one of your conditions before. i'm trying, but its not helping that i have you against me instead of for me.

whew...napkin please...i need to blow my nose...