age...

I was sending out "hi" comments to my friends"ters" and i noticed that most of them are either married or with kids...and i wonder...why not me? my contemplation has produced yet another perplexed blog...am i ready for such commitment, either matrimonially or maternally?

marriage according to the olds...is not like hot rice, when you get burned you cant just spit it out (or something like that)...i realize how such an enormous commitment and responsibility marriage entails. the mere fact that the dynamic of the relationship changes after the "i do's", scares me to an extent. 3yrs of being in a relationship with Joe does not mean it will yield a successful married life. i still get my space and my freedom...he gets his. and at this point, with all my challenges, it would be unfair to take away his glorious freedom. it would be unfortunate to bind him with my problems and include my baggage with his. im not saying that friends my age are foolish to plunge into this pool of unknowns. i applaud them for having the courage and confidence to say that they are ready. it is not to say that because i am not means the rest of the world shouldn't yet. i do wonder why, that although we are of the same generation, i feel so differently about marriage. this is not to discredit joe. he is such a wonderful person. it's just that...i do adore the thought of picking out my gown, deciding on a motif, choosing a centerpiece and tasting my cake...but behind the joyous facade, it is what is after the celebration that truly scares me.

how about kids? a lot of people have been giving me the advice..."no to marriage, yes to kids" i guess the thought of a failed marriage becoming a statistic scares the crap out of people. a lot are opting to having kids. kids who will take care of their parents regardless...husbands come and go but the bloodline remains forever. i say...im not even ready for the commitment of marriage, how much more the commitment of motherhood. having a husband means taking care of a grown adult able to make his needs known. although childish at times, still when the situation calls for it becomes a man ready to take charge. no need to guess how he's feeling or make airplane moves to feed him. i cannot even take care of myself 100percent of the time...just imagine me taking care of a baby...who will not tell me if he/she's sick or just needs a diaper change, who will not have a curfew and will keep me up even if i have work the next day. they say the feeling of parenthood is incomparable. there is nothing in this world that can ever surpass the ultimate satisfaction of creating someone so beautiful, fragile and special. i will never take that feeling away from anyone. but again i am not ready.

i dont know when am i going to be ready for either...i do pride myself in being mature beyond my years...but the thought of having to take care of anyone else but myself 24/7 does send my brain activity into overdrive and my cardiac rhythm to tachycardia. now, i wonder why? i just cant imagine not being ready to take on the role of loving wife and amazing mother. i think i have it in me? i think...??? i certainly do not think i am being selfish. contrary to that, i am being selfless by not subjecting my husband and child to carelessness and insensitivity. but i know i will be able to take the plunge one day. not anytime soon but one day...when i know that i have more to give and less to take from the world, when i know that i will be able to give 100percent of me and not want to take any part of it back, when i know that everything i do is for love and not obligation. i will be ready when i know that doubts no longer cloud my mind...and i will feel it in me...just hope it will be sooner than my biological clock running out...

adobo at kare-kare at kaibigan at pamilya...

i miss pinas...sometimes i have my wishful thinking...sometimes i wish and pray that life worked out for me thousands of miles back home and that i didnt feel like i had to escape from reality. after years of staying here, i still think that pinas was my reality and this is my willy wonka chocolate factory. home is where the authentic fatty adobo and crispy sizzling sisig and tender oxtail kare-kare. more so, home is where the all nighters at dg's and sessions at the condo and coming back to a home-cooked meal.
home is where the heart is. then i must have multiple beating organs. my heart is where my culture is not a minority but a way of life. my heart is where the language is not a barrier but a means of coherence and understanding. my heart is where my friends are not just hanging out partners but family. my heart is where family is not just branded but proven by blood.
home is where the heart is. i reminisce at the past and the good old times...with my family, with my friends, with my loves and heartbreaks. but who's to say that it is not the same here. i now have family that do care for me regardless of DNA. i now have friends to hang out with that are also family whether times are up or down. i now have a way of life that includes me in this cultural setting that makes me feel accepted not discriminated. i now have someone i love and loves me back unconditionally that i wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him.
i guess what im saying is that i have come to a realization. funny...after 4yrs of being away from home, i've only now accepted my second home. this place is also home. the saying "home is where the heart is" became my conundrum. it consumed me with confusion and sadness for a long time that i have looked pass the good things i have. what has happened to me in the last few months of back to back challenges has gifted me with so many blessings. i was given a setback but was offered by others a comeback...and it was true for each and every problem i had. the lord did not leave me fallen, he gave me instruments to help me back up and into the world of living again and again.
home is where you make it to be. it does not matter whether i am in pinas or not...when i come back, i know that is my home. i have friends and family that will not fail to remind me what home is like. and when i am here, i likewise have friends and family that will keep making me feel that i have not missed the life of the past but only the people i have left behind. you cannot have multiple hearts but you can definitely have multiple homes. you are only as estranged as you make yourself to be.
yes...i will be such a hypocrite to say that i do not miss my papa's adobo, my mama's pineapple spareribs, dencio's sisig and gerry's crispy kang-kong. i do miss them. but i can live with nanay gloria's kare-kare and goldilock's bagoong fried rice for now. it is not a matter of life or death and there is no point in wasting energy in salivating.
this is my home for now, and i have smiled at that realization. i may have many challenges but i am, so far, content. i may not be completely happy, but i am content. and soon i will go back to pinas and feel at home in a nanosecond...without any doubt. home is where you make it to be...

the beginning...

ok...my first blog...
It is time for change...no more hesitations as i do not have the luxury to do so...no more thinking twice as i do not have the time to doubt...no more backing out as i do not have a choice. Change, though scary, is as inevitable as time ticking away. You stand still and resist and it will pass you by. Change will not wait for you to be ready for it. It will continue in its natural course whether we like it or not. So now it is but natural to go and move on.
And moving on...I have promised myself to keep writing. I need an outlet. Many times now because of this huge change in my life that i have felt like bursting into tears...or shouting at the top of my lungs...or drinking myself crazy. To some...these may be their shoulder to lean on, their knight in shining armor, but not my cup of tea. Nothing against your flavor of choice...but writing is most natural. I remember i kept a tiny notebook where i wrote my heartbreaks and it worked for me then. Why not now? So this blogging commences. I do not expect to become famous or most read...i do not expect this to turn into something bigger than its purpose. I just want to write...write...write...the creative juices flowing...the experiences shared to those that are interested. This is the beginning...