Let's Start Over...

So many things have happened this month that it has been a big eye-opener...the deluge of information has been indeed overwhelming...if that's not redundant then i don't know what is...
It has happened yet again...and somehow i do think that it's partially my fault...i really don't know if i'm overacting or that i have pushed him to such brinks but it can't be just him...after all we are a couple and that we share this life together...
i don't mean to short-change myself but i do feel that i do have things in me i need to change...and there are somethings in him that he does need to change as well...
i do need to let him go...understand that for someone that has been alone, one cannot expect that he would not miss being alone...i do tend to be a little needy, only because i did feel that his love has weaned these past few years...i just never felt it...and i guess i pushed it and pushed it until it just broke...
it just hurts...you cannot just imagine how completely unfair it felt when i found out that once again...here we go again...one more time...for the second time around...im gonna have to go through this...to know that you are never enough, that he is never content, that he will always want more because, again, LIA, YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH...and that people knew behind my back what was going on...the pain is like a knife cutting down your back...and i guess that's the part he will never understand...just to look at his face while your tears are rolling down your cheeks...absolutely no remorse...blank...not even an ounce of pity nor love...and it hurts all the more to know that you want it to work out and he doesn't...
but we all have to move on at some point...i don't know if i will get over everything but i am gonna try...if not because of stupidity but i guess credit it to love...yes, i love him more than anything in the world...i do...and that's what's gonna push me to keep on trying...to just keep on holding on...
we have come to an understanding...start over...yes...and hopefully, we'll be a better couple coming out of this...i hope so...because i guess after all the downs...there's no other way but up...

Uno mas...

Just saying it out loud...its been a year since my first blog and hopefully this will not be last...im back for more and i will never stop the yearning and craving...i will definitely have more to come...check it out...

Today...

So today is another beginning...we just had our anniversary and i actually didnt get anything...hahahhaha...the $200 he had last two weeks didnt even get me a $3 anniversary card from rite-aid...he did offer me dinner only because he had to because i just spent a huge amount of money for a gift...yah...yah...yah...you read it right (not that people actually read my blog)...
it's been more than a month since pka and palm springs...a lot has changed...and im just going insane with the thoughts running through my head...
im just not loved...no amount of consoling and bullshit you can say to make me feel better...and no...unless something drastic is gonna change i will remain to feel the same day in and day out...its hard when you see someone who would rather be with someone else...talk with someone else for hours...laugh with someone else...while you get the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the sarcasm, the nothing...i want to be that person that as soon as she comes he gives her a hug, laughs with her, asks her questions and talks to her for forever if possible, gets the text messages while i get nothing except "Wat time?", if she calls he jumps at an instant while when i call i get the grunts and the ughs and the "WHAAAAAT????" or the God dammit early in the morning...its hard...and im dying everyday just thinking about it...sometimes i just wish that with the many bad habits i have i would just fall over and die or something because this is actually more painful as each day passes by than being at peace with god...
its not like i did not tell him...in fact he knows..he gets reminded every now and then and i even wrote a letter to him about it...i guess that one hug that day was all i deserved...and i perfectly guessed it right...he went back to his ways the very next day...
i dont know...maybe im expecting too much...maybe because i havent heard the words i love you in years now unless he's saying it back (which doesnt count people...its like reflex...duh...like thank you you're welcome or achoo bless you)...
i have so many plans...so many things i wanna do...and soon i will be able to do it...lose weight, sell my jewelries, drive then eventually go back to school while heading on to events mgt...maybe when id be too busy...then id be too busy to notice or care where this relationship goes...i guess he doesnt understand the concept we're in but thats ok...he thinks we're in this situation just because i needed help...nothing more nothing less...and when its over its over...well wherever this goes...who really knows...
two reasons that i forge on...MY FAMILY...i love them and they need me as much as i need them...and when you're feeling as lonely, depressed and deprived as i am right now...you will know your family's worth...i miss them...and I STILL LOVE HIM...more than anything in the world...and unlike him i love him more than my family and more than anything i know is important to me...but i guess that's where we differ...im last on his list while he is first on mine...i think i even forgot to love myself more...
but changes must be made...i know...i keep saying it over and over but something has to change...and i am really done...i need to really step-up and stand my ground...lord help me...and so it begins...TODAY...

Palm Springs 2009...

I seriously needed that...it was most definitely the most fun ive had in a long time...although a very multi-cultural group...it felt just like home with friends...the conversations, the drinking, the sleeping late, the hanging out poolside...i had fun...one more time...and soon please...

PKA DONE...

PKA is officially done...i didnt win but i lost about 11lbs...good enough...as long as i did shed some of my "baby" weight then im actually very happy...so im ready to go to palms springs...ready to unwind, have fun, and regain the pounds back...hahahahhaha...

PKA...

Day7 of Project Kick Ass...just weighed myself...0 weight loss...as in 0...and it pains me to say that its really partially my fault...wont eat now but will eat massive quantities later...arrgghh...hate it...i guess i really have to be serious to win...more exercise and lesser bad food...it doesnt help that my alliance and partner in crime suades me to eat unhealthy...yesterday's House of Joy was not exactly Jenny Craig...and so it begins again...no more...no more...no more...

GO GO GO...

go roger...come on...i know you can do it...time to shine and kick some andy ass...woohoo

Today...

Hybernation complete...im back...not that my millions of readers missed me (ATTENTION: Please read me...) or that i have been away for eons that my computer deserves a sweep. Ive just been around...trying hard to keep up with my facebook and twitter (yes, i have twitter...Oh Lord help me).
Yes, i officially restarted my goals and the diet regimen started the 1st of July...which i hope to continue religiously.
Joe and I are fine...
Life has been good...
I just need to keep up with it...