IDK...

For some very odd reason...i just can't see the jumping sheeps tonight...i can't sleep...and no matter what i did i couldn't muster up some courage to hug him tonight...it usually does the trick...one hug....one snuggle...one leg across...always worked like a charm...not this time...
Tonight is definitely different...it is 1am...cant use the kitchen computer because unfortunately tito is in the other room...can't have him walk in on me balling and crying my brains out...
I sounded so optimistic (after reading my previous blogs)...but sometimes...i will admit...i cry at random hours of the day when i remember what happened...i am after all human....and when you are tested at your most vulnerable sometimes even a single, minute, seemingly insignificant memory can trigger the pain...tonight was one of those nights...
i do try to put up a front...after all we are working it out...i try to be as accepting of our reality as possible...but sometimes you just can't help it...especially when you see no remorse, no pain, no apologetic ounce in his body...
maybe i am just imagining things...and maybe i am....ONCE AGAIN...over-analyzing...but my instincts have been right so far...which led me to this dilemma in the first place...and my instincts tells me he doesn't care...he does NOT care what i am going through because of what happened...he does NOT care whether i cry or i'm in pain...IDK...i really don't know...
Tonight the tears just keep rolling down this cheek...non-stop...indeed...it will eventually have to stop...i will have to start dreaming at a certain point of the night...then i shall find solace in my sleep...for tomorrow we shall battle another day of "working it out"...meaning me trying...and him...just whatever???
He'll be going to tennis tomorrow...the crew he included me in that he's excluding me out of...he wants time alone and i guess tennis is that time...FOR SOME REASON...which leads me to believe at times...that he is happy when he is with them and not with me...when he laughs with her and not with me...as what he said (when he was out with HER alone and not with the team)...HE IS FREE...(only to come back drunk and lie to me that he does not like her)...HE IS FREE...free from me...
Tonight i guess we vent....i guess it is never that easy to forgive and forget...especially for someone with my memory...that is all i'm saying...
You'll have more blogs coming...i do not know if sooner than later...but i am sure this is not the last of these crying nights...IDK when it will stop...i will have to endure seeing him laugh with her, still text her, still accommodate her, would want to go out with her even without me around, still continue the friendship even though he knows its killing me inside...basically still LIKE her even after what happened and this talk i had with him, i mean it happened the first time so what's gonna change now...then for sure after continuous punches to my stomach, bouts to my insecurities, blows to my ego, and stabs to my heart i am SURE i'd be numb as hell...maybe then i'd stop crying...it'll take more than bud light that's for sure...next time i'm bringing a more potent poison...