Here we go...

Joe just had his pinning yesterday...done with school and on to the RN boards...he had his party and i had fun...i don't remember having been that "unSOBER" in a long time...in fact i almost made it a year without passing out with traces of dinner all over me...hahahhahaha
we're doing a little bit better...at least i think...we're working it out and taking it one day at a time...i think that's the way to go...he's a little bit better at this relationship thing and i guess i am a little bit better at letting go of the past...what happened hasn't come up and i haven't regurgitated any sarcastic blurts about it yet...i'm trying, believe me...its never easy to change but it is a must...i had a little talk with a friend and he did open my eyes a little bit on what might be my faults and failures...and i am working on those as well...but it is slightly easing to know that he does want it to work out...i love him...more than he thinks/knows...
work has been back to normal...at least lesser interruptions as our party has ended...good...i need to get back to my paperwork and clean up before the new year begins...ugh...i'm working on sunday...just so i can have some peace and quiet...thank god...
it's almost Christmas...i'm not really that excited...it's still different...feels strange to celebrate away from home even though i've done it for 5yrs now...oh well...what's a girl to do...but i may be able to go home next year...and very much looking forward to it...i'm draggin joe's behind...i will make sure he goes...
what's in 2010...who knows really...i hope a better year...i don't think i can take another year of 09...please...i need to drive soon, need to go back to school, need to work on my weight which has been a steady change so far and proud of it-goodbye 10lbs, you ain't coming back...so here we go...the ride begins soon...

Mama...

It's my mom's birthday today...i miss her...i miss everything about her...even the things i disliked...i guess that's really the sign of unconditional love...i'll be able to go home soon and i can't wait to spend more time with her...time i wasted when i was back home...time i took for granted...time i wish i could take back but can't...love you mom...happy birthday...

IDK...

For some very odd reason...i just can't see the jumping sheeps tonight...i can't sleep...and no matter what i did i couldn't muster up some courage to hug him tonight...it usually does the trick...one hug....one snuggle...one leg across...always worked like a charm...not this time...
Tonight is definitely different...it is 1am...cant use the kitchen computer because unfortunately tito is in the other room...can't have him walk in on me balling and crying my brains out...
I sounded so optimistic (after reading my previous blogs)...but sometimes...i will admit...i cry at random hours of the day when i remember what happened...i am after all human....and when you are tested at your most vulnerable sometimes even a single, minute, seemingly insignificant memory can trigger the pain...tonight was one of those nights...
i do try to put up a front...after all we are working it out...i try to be as accepting of our reality as possible...but sometimes you just can't help it...especially when you see no remorse, no pain, no apologetic ounce in his body...
maybe i am just imagining things...and maybe i am....ONCE AGAIN...over-analyzing...but my instincts have been right so far...which led me to this dilemma in the first place...and my instincts tells me he doesn't care...he does NOT care what i am going through because of what happened...he does NOT care whether i cry or i'm in pain...IDK...i really don't know...
Tonight the tears just keep rolling down this cheek...non-stop...indeed...it will eventually have to stop...i will have to start dreaming at a certain point of the night...then i shall find solace in my sleep...for tomorrow we shall battle another day of "working it out"...meaning me trying...and him...just whatever???
He'll be going to tennis tomorrow...the crew he included me in that he's excluding me out of...he wants time alone and i guess tennis is that time...FOR SOME REASON...which leads me to believe at times...that he is happy when he is with them and not with me...when he laughs with her and not with me...as what he said (when he was out with HER alone and not with the team)...HE IS FREE...(only to come back drunk and lie to me that he does not like her)...HE IS FREE...free from me...
Tonight i guess we vent....i guess it is never that easy to forgive and forget...especially for someone with my memory...that is all i'm saying...
You'll have more blogs coming...i do not know if sooner than later...but i am sure this is not the last of these crying nights...IDK when it will stop...i will have to endure seeing him laugh with her, still text her, still accommodate her, would want to go out with her even without me around, still continue the friendship even though he knows its killing me inside...basically still LIKE her even after what happened and this talk i had with him, i mean it happened the first time so what's gonna change now...then for sure after continuous punches to my stomach, bouts to my insecurities, blows to my ego, and stabs to my heart i am SURE i'd be numb as hell...maybe then i'd stop crying...it'll take more than bud light that's for sure...next time i'm bringing a more potent poison...

Holidays...

Thanksgiving done...next...Joe's pinning...Christmas...New Year...Joe's Birthday...Valentine's Day...my Birthday...
So many events to prepare for...i did have something to do with our BOOS holiday party...but full credit will have to go to do the team...just willing slaves of the glitz and glamor of the holiday bling...i crave to plan...so it will be a stressful yet satiating time of the year...fundraisers, centerpieces, budget allocation, the dj, location location location...
My holiday list is out...yes...naughty or nice...you're in...such pocket-burners...but 'tis the season of giving...so i shall give and give without expectations...i love giving anyway...and i don't care what joe says...you will get something this year...promise...
So MUST:
-Lose weight...no exemptions...no buts
-Save up...take care of my finances so it will be a much better 2010
-Change ways...just be a better person in general...
-Work it...just as a couple...just keep working on us and how we can get pass this year...
My EVENTS:
-December 10-HPRC Holiday Party
-December 12-BOOS Holiday Party
-December 17-Joe's Pinning
-December 21-Kat's Birthday
-3Dinners-Dates Unknown-with the girls, with the BO people, with the tennis crew
-January 13-Joe's Birthday
-February 14-Valentine's Day
-March 8-My Birthday

Busy busy busy bee...and i don't even know what will be in between these dates...so must must must maintain resolve and continue to lose weight...that's my biggest challenge so far...next to money...only because ill be taking over the Camry next year and will start to go to school...help me Lord...i hope i will survive this...

Let's Start Over...

So many things have happened this month that it has been a big eye-opener...the deluge of information has been indeed overwhelming...if that's not redundant then i don't know what is...
It has happened yet again...and somehow i do think that it's partially my fault...i really don't know if i'm overacting or that i have pushed him to such brinks but it can't be just him...after all we are a couple and that we share this life together...
i don't mean to short-change myself but i do feel that i do have things in me i need to change...and there are somethings in him that he does need to change as well...
i do need to let him go...understand that for someone that has been alone, one cannot expect that he would not miss being alone...i do tend to be a little needy, only because i did feel that his love has weaned these past few years...i just never felt it...and i guess i pushed it and pushed it until it just broke...
it just hurts...you cannot just imagine how completely unfair it felt when i found out that once again...here we go again...one more time...for the second time around...im gonna have to go through this...to know that you are never enough, that he is never content, that he will always want more because, again, LIA, YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH...and that people knew behind my back what was going on...the pain is like a knife cutting down your back...and i guess that's the part he will never understand...just to look at his face while your tears are rolling down your cheeks...absolutely no remorse...blank...not even an ounce of pity nor love...and it hurts all the more to know that you want it to work out and he doesn't...
but we all have to move on at some point...i don't know if i will get over everything but i am gonna try...if not because of stupidity but i guess credit it to love...yes, i love him more than anything in the world...i do...and that's what's gonna push me to keep on trying...to just keep on holding on...
we have come to an understanding...start over...yes...and hopefully, we'll be a better couple coming out of this...i hope so...because i guess after all the downs...there's no other way but up...

Uno mas...

Just saying it out loud...its been a year since my first blog and hopefully this will not be last...im back for more and i will never stop the yearning and craving...i will definitely have more to come...check it out...

Today...

So today is another beginning...we just had our anniversary and i actually didnt get anything...hahahhaha...the $200 he had last two weeks didnt even get me a $3 anniversary card from rite-aid...he did offer me dinner only because he had to because i just spent a huge amount of money for a gift...yah...yah...yah...you read it right (not that people actually read my blog)...
it's been more than a month since pka and palm springs...a lot has changed...and im just going insane with the thoughts running through my head...
im just not loved...no amount of consoling and bullshit you can say to make me feel better...and no...unless something drastic is gonna change i will remain to feel the same day in and day out...its hard when you see someone who would rather be with someone else...talk with someone else for hours...laugh with someone else...while you get the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the sarcasm, the nothing...i want to be that person that as soon as she comes he gives her a hug, laughs with her, asks her questions and talks to her for forever if possible, gets the text messages while i get nothing except "Wat time?", if she calls he jumps at an instant while when i call i get the grunts and the ughs and the "WHAAAAAT????" or the God dammit early in the morning...its hard...and im dying everyday just thinking about it...sometimes i just wish that with the many bad habits i have i would just fall over and die or something because this is actually more painful as each day passes by than being at peace with god...
its not like i did not tell him...in fact he knows..he gets reminded every now and then and i even wrote a letter to him about it...i guess that one hug that day was all i deserved...and i perfectly guessed it right...he went back to his ways the very next day...
i dont know...maybe im expecting too much...maybe because i havent heard the words i love you in years now unless he's saying it back (which doesnt count people...its like reflex...duh...like thank you you're welcome or achoo bless you)...
i have so many plans...so many things i wanna do...and soon i will be able to do it...lose weight, sell my jewelries, drive then eventually go back to school while heading on to events mgt...maybe when id be too busy...then id be too busy to notice or care where this relationship goes...i guess he doesnt understand the concept we're in but thats ok...he thinks we're in this situation just because i needed help...nothing more nothing less...and when its over its over...well wherever this goes...who really knows...
two reasons that i forge on...MY FAMILY...i love them and they need me as much as i need them...and when you're feeling as lonely, depressed and deprived as i am right now...you will know your family's worth...i miss them...and I STILL LOVE HIM...more than anything in the world...and unlike him i love him more than my family and more than anything i know is important to me...but i guess that's where we differ...im last on his list while he is first on mine...i think i even forgot to love myself more...
but changes must be made...i know...i keep saying it over and over but something has to change...and i am really done...i need to really step-up and stand my ground...lord help me...and so it begins...TODAY...

Palm Springs 2009...

I seriously needed that...it was most definitely the most fun ive had in a long time...although a very multi-cultural group...it felt just like home with friends...the conversations, the drinking, the sleeping late, the hanging out poolside...i had fun...one more time...and soon please...