dahil sa sop at kay regine...

ok so i was watching nonstop you tube videos and came across some regine videos when i was looking for allison from ai singing alone...one thing lead to another and here i am typing away while listening to some more videos from SOPs FTR (for the record)...ok??? funny funny thing is that when i was in the philippines...id rather watch (during sunday lunches)...IRON CHEF Japan...with the funny dubbing and translations...when i got here i just started watching videos from SOP, etc on you tube (through Jake's many tips and links)...it may be because i miss the philippines i guess....and tonight, alone in my room, i miss it more than ever. when i was little the whole family would usually be in the living room watching "variety" shows right after lunch...yah yah, old school shit...we dont have that here...people sleep til they cant sleep anymore...sun would slap em right across the face and people wouldn't even budge...bwahahaha...i remember getting wake up calls and furious knocks from my dad at 6:30am, breakfast as soon as i get down and church at 8, 7:45 to get our usual seating. lunches and dinners were always together...the whole family would wait for each other to sit before starting the meal with a prayer...and everyone helps to clean the table after (except for my loving dad and crazy brother hahahaha)...4yrs away from home may have lessened the tears but never the longing...
so this blog is for jake, sop and regine...LECHE...made me depressed on a thursday night (yes the day before friday...DUH??? TGIF) i guess i just either have nothing better to write or was just reminded that it is indeed time to text my family tonight and ask how my dad's compliance with his regimen is or how my mom's garden looks like now (after the weekly changes) or if my brother is still watching the playoffs every year or if my two crazy but super cute nephews are still giving my sister-in-law much undeserving headaches...
wait let me grab my crackberry and start...

we all hurt...

ok so the discussion was...maybe my friend was meant to be single so he could help people with their problems...maybe its true...the lesser problems you have the more in tuned you are to those of others...but to assume to be single for a long time is not because it was God's will but yours.

people hurt in many ways...and so they love in many ways...yes we hope not to love the wrong person but unless you open your heart to the possibilities you will never know if its right or wrong. we only hope to hurt and learn from our experiences. after, it may be easy to say NEVER again...but you have to keep falling to know which one will catch your fall each and every single time.

we were made to hurt. but we were also made to love...and my friend may be meant to help as he sees it...then lucky me to have so much wisdom and experiences to guide me through my life, i know...IT IS A FACT...he has always been one of my bestfriends that have helped me and stayed with me through thick or thin...but my dear...don't lose yourself in the process of focusing on others...it might just be right there, staring at you, and you passing it by...love yah...

updates...

honestly, ive haven't had anything to write about for a while now...i was reading my birthday blog and it was neither juicy nor interesting either...it was ayt...it was blah...it was vanilla...
and i am telling you...this blog will not change the world or much...it's my usual update...

i am now 27...as you might have read...and it feels ordinary. im still getting carded for alcohol so that makes it seem acceptable to age slightly. i do still plan to lose weight...that and fulfill my "secret" plans...im almost halfway through...so that's reason enough to smile every now and then.

having self-diagnosed "addictive personality"...i think im starting to be addicted to tennis...i know i was and still am a fan...loved all of stefi graf, from her slice backhand to envied power forehand...loved goran ivanisevic for his serve and his face (hahaha)...hated pete sampras for almost getting by with just his serve...and still wish for roger to come back from his setbacks and rule once again. now i transition my tv love to reality, im trying hard to change my ping pong forehand and badminton swing to a legitimate tennis hand...try and sustain a game without double faulting and finally hang with the girls.


i am now officially inlove with facebook. hahahaha. yes, i am...the many applications and easy change of pages. love the fact that i can write on my friends walls while chatting with them...or fish like crazy while answering some quizzes with the hope to have some fun look into my subconscious.

i promise to write often...the blogs shall be coming more and more. although my laptop is lost somwhere in the moreno valley (supposedly getting upgrades)...joe's will have to suffice for now...thanks beb for letting me use it while watching my shows everyday.

joe and i are doing well, much better i think. ive had some talks with him and we seem to be on the same page, after what seemed like forever. i hope to prolong this bliss...i still love him to death.

there...no more no less...at least i think so...soon i shall log in again and type my a** off for something more juicy...for now...it's vanilla at its whitest...

Birthday Blues...

still suffering from over intake of that diuretic called alcohol...
still feeling the wonderful effects of some definitely hard hands of my masseuse...
still looking forward to tennis tonight and maybe drinks after...
still love not having work tomorrow...a monday...
still cant wait to taste that mango cake after i blow my candles and make my wish...

i feel so old and they say im still so young...i know i am bound to mention my experiences of late...i know i will say again that i have matured so exponentially this 2008...but i have. the many trials i had to overcome last year where very awakening to say the least. they were major eye-openers. and i am thankful for each and every one of them. 27 does seem so old, because i do feel old in a way. 2008 made me old.
i've wished for many things and planned for many changes...this 2009 brings another year of change for me. i already have my plans set...and i hope to accomplish them well...AND TIMELY. and i know i can do it. as i sit here typing away, i already am processing in my head my timeline and my MO.
i had a great birthday night with friends. a culmination of a years worth of ups and downs. i finally saw my good, long and lost friends...from pinas to gurls to hp to fv to new tennis friends. it was indeed a night of remembrance...and a night of fun.
for the first time in years i have no words of wisdom...or long essays...or a mind-boggling blog.
i guess for now...i am content...the plan has been set, the past is now accepted, the lessons have been learned and the future is welcomed with open hands...
welcome 27...welcome...

i burned my popcorn...

yes...i did...how can you actually burn popcorn...something so facile...so simple...so easy...and now i peruse through my tub and find not even half edible...

its just all about my valentine's day blah...

I've always been very vocal about the commercialism of this day and even after all these years having someone to celebrate it year after year...i have expressed to many time and time again that it is nothing but a day where our vendors hike up their prices to make money off of people...
i do believe that...but i will also be such a hypocrite if i do not declare that i also look forward to this time of the year...

it's all about the proof, the hope, the glimpse, the tinge, the sign, the promise, the possibilities...

the day that love is proven...whether obligated or not.

for one day in a year...we are reminded that we are as one...that we are a couple, that we are tied together and that we care for each other. having been with joe for almost 4yrs now, i really do not need much proof of our love for each other but it is nice every now and then to be reminded of so. do not get me wrong, it has not been perfect. sometimes, especially in long term relationships...you tend to take each other for granted. we forget every now and then...as we are not perfect, but this day of the year always brings hope. i only imagine this day to be like my mom and dad...together for more than 30yrs, routine and simple each day but never to forget to do something on valentine's day.

and it is the same for new couples as well. i was asked by a friend if its ok to ask her boyfriend of one month what are the plans for valentines day. i say no, i say wait...let it come. i know it will kill you inside but the reward is in the surprise. if he does something so romantic and so unexpected then you will know, as a new couple, that he is worth keeping. if plans come forgotten then you will also know that a decision needs to be made. if this day means more than just a day then it is time to think of your next move, your next choice. it is elating to be reminded that here we are...that yes we care for each other. although it is sometimes unnerving to reveal you feelings to someone you barely have been with but again it is all about the proof, the hope, the glimpse, the tinge, the sign, the promise, the possibility of love and care in store for each other. and we will always have this year etched in our memories...as a day of firsts. might be your first valentine's day or the first rose or the first i love you or the first kiss.

for those that are single this year...no worries...its but any other day of the year. cherish the love of family and love of friends. time to move on...again this day brings forth hope...that next year shall be better than today.

much like my popcorn experience...i would have assumed 3mins is the standard, even with a low or high heat microwave. but it has brought me such an unfortunate surprise to see that the standard is wrong...i needed to be proven wrong. we all need to either be proven wrong or right. this day is anything but ordinary to not just most but to everyone. and whether people admit or not, they do think of what this day means to them, even if just in their subconscious.

joe said dinner and a movie, he's already made his reservations. typical, simple, expected. but having taken the role of planner in 90% of our moments...i take this as a positive sign. the effort is appreciated...believe me. the cynical me is taking a back seat...i have embraced today. i have been proven wrong again. and when time comes that i am alone this day of the year for some murderous reason then the commercialism theory shall resurface once again.

thanks joe...you know i love you...

quod erat demonstratum...

PRN...

i really need to start a hobby...ok on top of doing this and logging in to friendster, myspace and facebook...oh and working mondays to fridays...well, the fact that im bored as hell is just killing me...when did i become such a grandma...my grammy from my mom's side would still be out...she had so many places to go to and parties to show up late to...i am bored.

i am bored and the creative juices are not exactly flowing any easier tonight...i have absolutely nothing to write about except my boredom.

i went to work today, had some people sign some papers, ate sinigang and tinola, had egg pie (which was btw the best ive tasted so far), made some welcome baskets, made the new admissions' beds, argued with a family member and had a pedicure...

this is how bored i am...

new year...

its 2009...365days have come to pass and i wonder what i have learned...plenty. with what i have experienced this year, i would think that 2008 would be my main event, my highlight, my peak year.
i had some struggles with joe that went on for months. i thought it would go on forever. it still hurts, believe me...but im no stranger to pain. i try to hide it sometimes, but the insecurities kick in every now and then and it slaps you in the face. i learned to leave some for myself...and not let it all hang out. i learned to that i need to be more cautious...just because you're together does not mean nothing else will happen to the relationship. nothing is set in stone, nothing is final...ive learned to always keep my guard up.
after our little bout...i had some struggles of my own. back to back to back to back...one after the other if you get my point. i just learned that the Lord will not let you down. he will give you plenty of resources and people to help you back on your feet and get back on that fight and struggle to survive.
i have matured so much. i hope i dont have the wrinkles or age spots to prove it but i feel like i have aged, therefore wised up. i know now what i need to do to get my life back on track, i believe therefore i know i can do it. the only hard part is doing it. the planning is perfect, the execution lacking...but 2009 brings hope of anew...gives me the critical optimism that i can do it. and i will...believe me...i have set my mind into it and i will not be unaccomplished this year. im sick and tired of dreaming and wondering and planning and organizing without any results tucked under my belt. i am done...2009 is then reckoning...it is the year that i shall do what i am supposed to do and accomplish what i am supposed to accomplish. joe was saying that he's turning 22 and has accomplished nothing and i say im turning 27 and accomplished what??? it is but hightime that i take this yearning, this need to fulfill and simply DO IT. i have my mind set and my goals written to a tee...watch me be...

age...

I was sending out "hi" comments to my friends"ters" and i noticed that most of them are either married or with kids...and i wonder...why not me? my contemplation has produced yet another perplexed blog...am i ready for such commitment, either matrimonially or maternally?

marriage according to the olds...is not like hot rice, when you get burned you cant just spit it out (or something like that)...i realize how such an enormous commitment and responsibility marriage entails. the mere fact that the dynamic of the relationship changes after the "i do's", scares me to an extent. 3yrs of being in a relationship with Joe does not mean it will yield a successful married life. i still get my space and my freedom...he gets his. and at this point, with all my challenges, it would be unfair to take away his glorious freedom. it would be unfortunate to bind him with my problems and include my baggage with his. im not saying that friends my age are foolish to plunge into this pool of unknowns. i applaud them for having the courage and confidence to say that they are ready. it is not to say that because i am not means the rest of the world shouldn't yet. i do wonder why, that although we are of the same generation, i feel so differently about marriage. this is not to discredit joe. he is such a wonderful person. it's just that...i do adore the thought of picking out my gown, deciding on a motif, choosing a centerpiece and tasting my cake...but behind the joyous facade, it is what is after the celebration that truly scares me.

how about kids? a lot of people have been giving me the advice..."no to marriage, yes to kids" i guess the thought of a failed marriage becoming a statistic scares the crap out of people. a lot are opting to having kids. kids who will take care of their parents regardless...husbands come and go but the bloodline remains forever. i say...im not even ready for the commitment of marriage, how much more the commitment of motherhood. having a husband means taking care of a grown adult able to make his needs known. although childish at times, still when the situation calls for it becomes a man ready to take charge. no need to guess how he's feeling or make airplane moves to feed him. i cannot even take care of myself 100percent of the time...just imagine me taking care of a baby...who will not tell me if he/she's sick or just needs a diaper change, who will not have a curfew and will keep me up even if i have work the next day. they say the feeling of parenthood is incomparable. there is nothing in this world that can ever surpass the ultimate satisfaction of creating someone so beautiful, fragile and special. i will never take that feeling away from anyone. but again i am not ready.

i dont know when am i going to be ready for either...i do pride myself in being mature beyond my years...but the thought of having to take care of anyone else but myself 24/7 does send my brain activity into overdrive and my cardiac rhythm to tachycardia. now, i wonder why? i just cant imagine not being ready to take on the role of loving wife and amazing mother. i think i have it in me? i think...??? i certainly do not think i am being selfish. contrary to that, i am being selfless by not subjecting my husband and child to carelessness and insensitivity. but i know i will be able to take the plunge one day. not anytime soon but one day...when i know that i have more to give and less to take from the world, when i know that i will be able to give 100percent of me and not want to take any part of it back, when i know that everything i do is for love and not obligation. i will be ready when i know that doubts no longer cloud my mind...and i will feel it in me...just hope it will be sooner than my biological clock running out...