Here we go...

Joe just had his pinning yesterday...done with school and on to the RN boards...he had his party and i had fun...i don't remember having been that "unSOBER" in a long time...in fact i almost made it a year without passing out with traces of dinner all over me...hahahhahaha
we're doing a little bit better...at least i think...we're working it out and taking it one day at a time...i think that's the way to go...he's a little bit better at this relationship thing and i guess i am a little bit better at letting go of the past...what happened hasn't come up and i haven't regurgitated any sarcastic blurts about it yet...i'm trying, believe me...its never easy to change but it is a must...i had a little talk with a friend and he did open my eyes a little bit on what might be my faults and failures...and i am working on those as well...but it is slightly easing to know that he does want it to work out...i love him...more than he thinks/knows...
work has been back to normal...at least lesser interruptions as our party has ended...good...i need to get back to my paperwork and clean up before the new year begins...ugh...i'm working on sunday...just so i can have some peace and quiet...thank god...
it's almost Christmas...i'm not really that excited...it's still different...feels strange to celebrate away from home even though i've done it for 5yrs now...oh well...what's a girl to do...but i may be able to go home next year...and very much looking forward to it...i'm draggin joe's behind...i will make sure he goes...
what's in 2010...who knows really...i hope a better year...i don't think i can take another year of 09...please...i need to drive soon, need to go back to school, need to work on my weight which has been a steady change so far and proud of it-goodbye 10lbs, you ain't coming back...so here we go...the ride begins soon...

Mama...

It's my mom's birthday today...i miss her...i miss everything about her...even the things i disliked...i guess that's really the sign of unconditional love...i'll be able to go home soon and i can't wait to spend more time with her...time i wasted when i was back home...time i took for granted...time i wish i could take back but can't...love you mom...happy birthday...

IDK...

For some very odd reason...i just can't see the jumping sheeps tonight...i can't sleep...and no matter what i did i couldn't muster up some courage to hug him tonight...it usually does the trick...one hug....one snuggle...one leg across...always worked like a charm...not this time...
Tonight is definitely different...it is 1am...cant use the kitchen computer because unfortunately tito is in the other room...can't have him walk in on me balling and crying my brains out...
I sounded so optimistic (after reading my previous blogs)...but sometimes...i will admit...i cry at random hours of the day when i remember what happened...i am after all human....and when you are tested at your most vulnerable sometimes even a single, minute, seemingly insignificant memory can trigger the pain...tonight was one of those nights...
i do try to put up a front...after all we are working it out...i try to be as accepting of our reality as possible...but sometimes you just can't help it...especially when you see no remorse, no pain, no apologetic ounce in his body...
maybe i am just imagining things...and maybe i am....ONCE AGAIN...over-analyzing...but my instincts have been right so far...which led me to this dilemma in the first place...and my instincts tells me he doesn't care...he does NOT care what i am going through because of what happened...he does NOT care whether i cry or i'm in pain...IDK...i really don't know...
Tonight the tears just keep rolling down this cheek...non-stop...indeed...it will eventually have to stop...i will have to start dreaming at a certain point of the night...then i shall find solace in my sleep...for tomorrow we shall battle another day of "working it out"...meaning me trying...and him...just whatever???
He'll be going to tennis tomorrow...the crew he included me in that he's excluding me out of...he wants time alone and i guess tennis is that time...FOR SOME REASON...which leads me to believe at times...that he is happy when he is with them and not with me...when he laughs with her and not with me...as what he said (when he was out with HER alone and not with the team)...HE IS FREE...(only to come back drunk and lie to me that he does not like her)...HE IS FREE...free from me...
Tonight i guess we vent....i guess it is never that easy to forgive and forget...especially for someone with my memory...that is all i'm saying...
You'll have more blogs coming...i do not know if sooner than later...but i am sure this is not the last of these crying nights...IDK when it will stop...i will have to endure seeing him laugh with her, still text her, still accommodate her, would want to go out with her even without me around, still continue the friendship even though he knows its killing me inside...basically still LIKE her even after what happened and this talk i had with him, i mean it happened the first time so what's gonna change now...then for sure after continuous punches to my stomach, bouts to my insecurities, blows to my ego, and stabs to my heart i am SURE i'd be numb as hell...maybe then i'd stop crying...it'll take more than bud light that's for sure...next time i'm bringing a more potent poison...

Holidays...

Thanksgiving done...next...Joe's pinning...Christmas...New Year...Joe's Birthday...Valentine's Day...my Birthday...
So many events to prepare for...i did have something to do with our BOOS holiday party...but full credit will have to go to do the team...just willing slaves of the glitz and glamor of the holiday bling...i crave to plan...so it will be a stressful yet satiating time of the year...fundraisers, centerpieces, budget allocation, the dj, location location location...
My holiday list is out...yes...naughty or nice...you're in...such pocket-burners...but 'tis the season of giving...so i shall give and give without expectations...i love giving anyway...and i don't care what joe says...you will get something this year...promise...
So MUST:
-Lose weight...no exemptions...no buts
-Save up...take care of my finances so it will be a much better 2010
-Change ways...just be a better person in general...
-Work it...just as a couple...just keep working on us and how we can get pass this year...
My EVENTS:
-December 10-HPRC Holiday Party
-December 12-BOOS Holiday Party
-December 17-Joe's Pinning
-December 21-Kat's Birthday
-3Dinners-Dates Unknown-with the girls, with the BO people, with the tennis crew
-January 13-Joe's Birthday
-February 14-Valentine's Day
-March 8-My Birthday

Busy busy busy bee...and i don't even know what will be in between these dates...so must must must maintain resolve and continue to lose weight...that's my biggest challenge so far...next to money...only because ill be taking over the Camry next year and will start to go to school...help me Lord...i hope i will survive this...

Let's Start Over...

So many things have happened this month that it has been a big eye-opener...the deluge of information has been indeed overwhelming...if that's not redundant then i don't know what is...
It has happened yet again...and somehow i do think that it's partially my fault...i really don't know if i'm overacting or that i have pushed him to such brinks but it can't be just him...after all we are a couple and that we share this life together...
i don't mean to short-change myself but i do feel that i do have things in me i need to change...and there are somethings in him that he does need to change as well...
i do need to let him go...understand that for someone that has been alone, one cannot expect that he would not miss being alone...i do tend to be a little needy, only because i did feel that his love has weaned these past few years...i just never felt it...and i guess i pushed it and pushed it until it just broke...
it just hurts...you cannot just imagine how completely unfair it felt when i found out that once again...here we go again...one more time...for the second time around...im gonna have to go through this...to know that you are never enough, that he is never content, that he will always want more because, again, LIA, YOU ARE NEVER ENOUGH...and that people knew behind my back what was going on...the pain is like a knife cutting down your back...and i guess that's the part he will never understand...just to look at his face while your tears are rolling down your cheeks...absolutely no remorse...blank...not even an ounce of pity nor love...and it hurts all the more to know that you want it to work out and he doesn't...
but we all have to move on at some point...i don't know if i will get over everything but i am gonna try...if not because of stupidity but i guess credit it to love...yes, i love him more than anything in the world...i do...and that's what's gonna push me to keep on trying...to just keep on holding on...
we have come to an understanding...start over...yes...and hopefully, we'll be a better couple coming out of this...i hope so...because i guess after all the downs...there's no other way but up...

Uno mas...

Just saying it out loud...its been a year since my first blog and hopefully this will not be last...im back for more and i will never stop the yearning and craving...i will definitely have more to come...check it out...

Today...

So today is another beginning...we just had our anniversary and i actually didnt get anything...hahahhaha...the $200 he had last two weeks didnt even get me a $3 anniversary card from rite-aid...he did offer me dinner only because he had to because i just spent a huge amount of money for a gift...yah...yah...yah...you read it right (not that people actually read my blog)...
it's been more than a month since pka and palm springs...a lot has changed...and im just going insane with the thoughts running through my head...
im just not loved...no amount of consoling and bullshit you can say to make me feel better...and no...unless something drastic is gonna change i will remain to feel the same day in and day out...its hard when you see someone who would rather be with someone else...talk with someone else for hours...laugh with someone else...while you get the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the sarcasm, the nothing...i want to be that person that as soon as she comes he gives her a hug, laughs with her, asks her questions and talks to her for forever if possible, gets the text messages while i get nothing except "Wat time?", if she calls he jumps at an instant while when i call i get the grunts and the ughs and the "WHAAAAAT????" or the God dammit early in the morning...its hard...and im dying everyday just thinking about it...sometimes i just wish that with the many bad habits i have i would just fall over and die or something because this is actually more painful as each day passes by than being at peace with god...
its not like i did not tell him...in fact he knows..he gets reminded every now and then and i even wrote a letter to him about it...i guess that one hug that day was all i deserved...and i perfectly guessed it right...he went back to his ways the very next day...
i dont know...maybe im expecting too much...maybe because i havent heard the words i love you in years now unless he's saying it back (which doesnt count people...its like reflex...duh...like thank you you're welcome or achoo bless you)...
i have so many plans...so many things i wanna do...and soon i will be able to do it...lose weight, sell my jewelries, drive then eventually go back to school while heading on to events mgt...maybe when id be too busy...then id be too busy to notice or care where this relationship goes...i guess he doesnt understand the concept we're in but thats ok...he thinks we're in this situation just because i needed help...nothing more nothing less...and when its over its over...well wherever this goes...who really knows...
two reasons that i forge on...MY FAMILY...i love them and they need me as much as i need them...and when you're feeling as lonely, depressed and deprived as i am right now...you will know your family's worth...i miss them...and I STILL LOVE HIM...more than anything in the world...and unlike him i love him more than my family and more than anything i know is important to me...but i guess that's where we differ...im last on his list while he is first on mine...i think i even forgot to love myself more...
but changes must be made...i know...i keep saying it over and over but something has to change...and i am really done...i need to really step-up and stand my ground...lord help me...and so it begins...TODAY...

Palm Springs 2009...

I seriously needed that...it was most definitely the most fun ive had in a long time...although a very multi-cultural group...it felt just like home with friends...the conversations, the drinking, the sleeping late, the hanging out poolside...i had fun...one more time...and soon please...

PKA DONE...

PKA is officially done...i didnt win but i lost about 11lbs...good enough...as long as i did shed some of my "baby" weight then im actually very happy...so im ready to go to palms springs...ready to unwind, have fun, and regain the pounds back...hahahahhaha...

PKA...

Day7 of Project Kick Ass...just weighed myself...0 weight loss...as in 0...and it pains me to say that its really partially my fault...wont eat now but will eat massive quantities later...arrgghh...hate it...i guess i really have to be serious to win...more exercise and lesser bad food...it doesnt help that my alliance and partner in crime suades me to eat unhealthy...yesterday's House of Joy was not exactly Jenny Craig...and so it begins again...no more...no more...no more...

GO GO GO...

go roger...come on...i know you can do it...time to shine and kick some andy ass...woohoo

Today...

Hybernation complete...im back...not that my millions of readers missed me (ATTENTION: Please read me...) or that i have been away for eons that my computer deserves a sweep. Ive just been around...trying hard to keep up with my facebook and twitter (yes, i have twitter...Oh Lord help me).
Yes, i officially restarted my goals and the diet regimen started the 1st of July...which i hope to continue religiously.
Joe and I are fine...
Life has been good...
I just need to keep up with it...

crap...

the weather has been cooperative so far...for one who hates the summer heat, this gloomy june has been a much needed caress...
i have been slowly accomplishing some and straying from some of my goals...even...i dont know if that really is a good sign or that i should be completing all exponentially and with ease but hey 1 out 50 is still better than 0...
joe and i are ok so far and have been for a while now...he just passed 3rd semester, the hardest of his 4 for his rn program...we're all very proud...undeniably smart and resilient (joe and resilience...a: capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture b: tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change)...
regardless of the slow and ever procrastinated goals...i am ok. i guess after a while you tend to just retreat to your shell and hybernate. i just need some more time to recuperate...from what??? i have no idea...but i wish to be resilient as well.
i have nothing else to say...no i am not depressed, no i am not frustrated, no i am not ??? i do feel like crap whenever i remember what i need to do has not been done yet but no use in regretting...MOVING FORWARD...that's better than feeling crap while stagnant...

dahil sa sop at kay regine...

ok so i was watching nonstop you tube videos and came across some regine videos when i was looking for allison from ai singing alone...one thing lead to another and here i am typing away while listening to some more videos from SOPs FTR (for the record)...ok??? funny funny thing is that when i was in the philippines...id rather watch (during sunday lunches)...IRON CHEF Japan...with the funny dubbing and translations...when i got here i just started watching videos from SOP, etc on you tube (through Jake's many tips and links)...it may be because i miss the philippines i guess....and tonight, alone in my room, i miss it more than ever. when i was little the whole family would usually be in the living room watching "variety" shows right after lunch...yah yah, old school shit...we dont have that here...people sleep til they cant sleep anymore...sun would slap em right across the face and people wouldn't even budge...bwahahaha...i remember getting wake up calls and furious knocks from my dad at 6:30am, breakfast as soon as i get down and church at 8, 7:45 to get our usual seating. lunches and dinners were always together...the whole family would wait for each other to sit before starting the meal with a prayer...and everyone helps to clean the table after (except for my loving dad and crazy brother hahahaha)...4yrs away from home may have lessened the tears but never the longing...
so this blog is for jake, sop and regine...LECHE...made me depressed on a thursday night (yes the day before friday...DUH??? TGIF) i guess i just either have nothing better to write or was just reminded that it is indeed time to text my family tonight and ask how my dad's compliance with his regimen is or how my mom's garden looks like now (after the weekly changes) or if my brother is still watching the playoffs every year or if my two crazy but super cute nephews are still giving my sister-in-law much undeserving headaches...
wait let me grab my crackberry and start...

we all hurt...

ok so the discussion was...maybe my friend was meant to be single so he could help people with their problems...maybe its true...the lesser problems you have the more in tuned you are to those of others...but to assume to be single for a long time is not because it was God's will but yours.

people hurt in many ways...and so they love in many ways...yes we hope not to love the wrong person but unless you open your heart to the possibilities you will never know if its right or wrong. we only hope to hurt and learn from our experiences. after, it may be easy to say NEVER again...but you have to keep falling to know which one will catch your fall each and every single time.

we were made to hurt. but we were also made to love...and my friend may be meant to help as he sees it...then lucky me to have so much wisdom and experiences to guide me through my life, i know...IT IS A FACT...he has always been one of my bestfriends that have helped me and stayed with me through thick or thin...but my dear...don't lose yourself in the process of focusing on others...it might just be right there, staring at you, and you passing it by...love yah...

updates...

honestly, ive haven't had anything to write about for a while now...i was reading my birthday blog and it was neither juicy nor interesting either...it was ayt...it was blah...it was vanilla...
and i am telling you...this blog will not change the world or much...it's my usual update...

i am now 27...as you might have read...and it feels ordinary. im still getting carded for alcohol so that makes it seem acceptable to age slightly. i do still plan to lose weight...that and fulfill my "secret" plans...im almost halfway through...so that's reason enough to smile every now and then.

having self-diagnosed "addictive personality"...i think im starting to be addicted to tennis...i know i was and still am a fan...loved all of stefi graf, from her slice backhand to envied power forehand...loved goran ivanisevic for his serve and his face (hahaha)...hated pete sampras for almost getting by with just his serve...and still wish for roger to come back from his setbacks and rule once again. now i transition my tv love to reality, im trying hard to change my ping pong forehand and badminton swing to a legitimate tennis hand...try and sustain a game without double faulting and finally hang with the girls.


i am now officially inlove with facebook. hahahaha. yes, i am...the many applications and easy change of pages. love the fact that i can write on my friends walls while chatting with them...or fish like crazy while answering some quizzes with the hope to have some fun look into my subconscious.

i promise to write often...the blogs shall be coming more and more. although my laptop is lost somwhere in the moreno valley (supposedly getting upgrades)...joe's will have to suffice for now...thanks beb for letting me use it while watching my shows everyday.

joe and i are doing well, much better i think. ive had some talks with him and we seem to be on the same page, after what seemed like forever. i hope to prolong this bliss...i still love him to death.

there...no more no less...at least i think so...soon i shall log in again and type my a** off for something more juicy...for now...it's vanilla at its whitest...

Birthday Blues...

still suffering from over intake of that diuretic called alcohol...
still feeling the wonderful effects of some definitely hard hands of my masseuse...
still looking forward to tennis tonight and maybe drinks after...
still love not having work tomorrow...a monday...
still cant wait to taste that mango cake after i blow my candles and make my wish...

i feel so old and they say im still so young...i know i am bound to mention my experiences of late...i know i will say again that i have matured so exponentially this 2008...but i have. the many trials i had to overcome last year where very awakening to say the least. they were major eye-openers. and i am thankful for each and every one of them. 27 does seem so old, because i do feel old in a way. 2008 made me old.
i've wished for many things and planned for many changes...this 2009 brings another year of change for me. i already have my plans set...and i hope to accomplish them well...AND TIMELY. and i know i can do it. as i sit here typing away, i already am processing in my head my timeline and my MO.
i had a great birthday night with friends. a culmination of a years worth of ups and downs. i finally saw my good, long and lost friends...from pinas to gurls to hp to fv to new tennis friends. it was indeed a night of remembrance...and a night of fun.
for the first time in years i have no words of wisdom...or long essays...or a mind-boggling blog.
i guess for now...i am content...the plan has been set, the past is now accepted, the lessons have been learned and the future is welcomed with open hands...
welcome 27...welcome...

i burned my popcorn...

yes...i did...how can you actually burn popcorn...something so facile...so simple...so easy...and now i peruse through my tub and find not even half edible...

its just all about my valentine's day blah...

I've always been very vocal about the commercialism of this day and even after all these years having someone to celebrate it year after year...i have expressed to many time and time again that it is nothing but a day where our vendors hike up their prices to make money off of people...
i do believe that...but i will also be such a hypocrite if i do not declare that i also look forward to this time of the year...

it's all about the proof, the hope, the glimpse, the tinge, the sign, the promise, the possibilities...

the day that love is proven...whether obligated or not.

for one day in a year...we are reminded that we are as one...that we are a couple, that we are tied together and that we care for each other. having been with joe for almost 4yrs now, i really do not need much proof of our love for each other but it is nice every now and then to be reminded of so. do not get me wrong, it has not been perfect. sometimes, especially in long term relationships...you tend to take each other for granted. we forget every now and then...as we are not perfect, but this day of the year always brings hope. i only imagine this day to be like my mom and dad...together for more than 30yrs, routine and simple each day but never to forget to do something on valentine's day.

and it is the same for new couples as well. i was asked by a friend if its ok to ask her boyfriend of one month what are the plans for valentines day. i say no, i say wait...let it come. i know it will kill you inside but the reward is in the surprise. if he does something so romantic and so unexpected then you will know, as a new couple, that he is worth keeping. if plans come forgotten then you will also know that a decision needs to be made. if this day means more than just a day then it is time to think of your next move, your next choice. it is elating to be reminded that here we are...that yes we care for each other. although it is sometimes unnerving to reveal you feelings to someone you barely have been with but again it is all about the proof, the hope, the glimpse, the tinge, the sign, the promise, the possibility of love and care in store for each other. and we will always have this year etched in our memories...as a day of firsts. might be your first valentine's day or the first rose or the first i love you or the first kiss.

for those that are single this year...no worries...its but any other day of the year. cherish the love of family and love of friends. time to move on...again this day brings forth hope...that next year shall be better than today.

much like my popcorn experience...i would have assumed 3mins is the standard, even with a low or high heat microwave. but it has brought me such an unfortunate surprise to see that the standard is wrong...i needed to be proven wrong. we all need to either be proven wrong or right. this day is anything but ordinary to not just most but to everyone. and whether people admit or not, they do think of what this day means to them, even if just in their subconscious.

joe said dinner and a movie, he's already made his reservations. typical, simple, expected. but having taken the role of planner in 90% of our moments...i take this as a positive sign. the effort is appreciated...believe me. the cynical me is taking a back seat...i have embraced today. i have been proven wrong again. and when time comes that i am alone this day of the year for some murderous reason then the commercialism theory shall resurface once again.

thanks joe...you know i love you...

quod erat demonstratum...

PRN...

i really need to start a hobby...ok on top of doing this and logging in to friendster, myspace and facebook...oh and working mondays to fridays...well, the fact that im bored as hell is just killing me...when did i become such a grandma...my grammy from my mom's side would still be out...she had so many places to go to and parties to show up late to...i am bored.

i am bored and the creative juices are not exactly flowing any easier tonight...i have absolutely nothing to write about except my boredom.

i went to work today, had some people sign some papers, ate sinigang and tinola, had egg pie (which was btw the best ive tasted so far), made some welcome baskets, made the new admissions' beds, argued with a family member and had a pedicure...

this is how bored i am...

new year...

its 2009...365days have come to pass and i wonder what i have learned...plenty. with what i have experienced this year, i would think that 2008 would be my main event, my highlight, my peak year.
i had some struggles with joe that went on for months. i thought it would go on forever. it still hurts, believe me...but im no stranger to pain. i try to hide it sometimes, but the insecurities kick in every now and then and it slaps you in the face. i learned to leave some for myself...and not let it all hang out. i learned to that i need to be more cautious...just because you're together does not mean nothing else will happen to the relationship. nothing is set in stone, nothing is final...ive learned to always keep my guard up.
after our little bout...i had some struggles of my own. back to back to back to back...one after the other if you get my point. i just learned that the Lord will not let you down. he will give you plenty of resources and people to help you back on your feet and get back on that fight and struggle to survive.
i have matured so much. i hope i dont have the wrinkles or age spots to prove it but i feel like i have aged, therefore wised up. i know now what i need to do to get my life back on track, i believe therefore i know i can do it. the only hard part is doing it. the planning is perfect, the execution lacking...but 2009 brings hope of anew...gives me the critical optimism that i can do it. and i will...believe me...i have set my mind into it and i will not be unaccomplished this year. im sick and tired of dreaming and wondering and planning and organizing without any results tucked under my belt. i am done...2009 is then reckoning...it is the year that i shall do what i am supposed to do and accomplish what i am supposed to accomplish. joe was saying that he's turning 22 and has accomplished nothing and i say im turning 27 and accomplished what??? it is but hightime that i take this yearning, this need to fulfill and simply DO IT. i have my mind set and my goals written to a tee...watch me be...